Scary 😳

Vulnerable 𝒱𝒶𝓃𝒾𝓈𝒽𝒶

Vulnerability is a lengthy read. Thank you for reading. Thank you for allowing me.

Repair and hope begins with humility. Please bear with me as I stand upon this rock. I wouldn’t be honest if I don’t share, “I am terrified of vulnerability”
Yet here it is.

17 years ago I buried my whole family. 13 people including my husband .
All this loss in one year, six months, and 17 days. I lived in the shadow of this tragedy for 16 of those years.

I had disassociated so successfully,
I see know was the only protection I had from not falling apart completely.
I became both narcissistic and convoluted in my intellectual ability to sustain some type of power, when truly I had lost it all. I had discovered that my family passed away and I was left here to die.

I have two daughters, one of which I’ve always been very close to.
She has always seen me, known that through this tragedy that she couldn’t imagine what it was doing to me.
This unfortunately put a lot of responsibility upon her, assisting my journey and purpose, as she always believed it was greater than I was able to even imagine. You can imagine how much stress is put on her!

Seven months ago, on my estranged oldest daughter‘s birthday, I had overstepped my boundaries with her her parenting and my granddaughter. She told me I needed to stay in my lane, and my lane is where I went, leaving her on her birthday at an intended sleepover to celebrate.

It was at that point both of my daughters decided that they couldn’t take it anymore.

I have been very grateful to have been discovered by a guru who has taken me under his wings. For the past 6 months I have traveled. Visiting different Hindu Temples, learning and studying under monks, and high priests.
I’ve been cleansed, had dozens of pujas and found a freedom
I was beginning to believe was unattainable.

Regret is a rough space.
Regret has also been the most rewarding in the sight of humble humility. I have a very special bond with my granddaughter {I’ve not seen for 6 months} one I have learned I also very much want to have with my beautiful 25 year old daughter.

What I’ve learned, is seeking the truth is all I have. Self preservation and the recognition for what I’ve done to be why our relationship has unraveled.

I know that missing them is selfish as my daughter needs the room to be in a space where she feels ok. Safe enough to allow me inside. I have more hope, having learned, this is just was what needed to happen to allow both of us the space for recognition. Allowing the 2 of us to thrive within a deeper understanding that will lead us into gaining a love, for who each of us are, independently also who we can be together.

I don’t necessarily want to be needed. I desire to be her choice that leads her to want me. Wanted by being more pure of heart.
Allowing her to express herself without my convoluted opinion.

My younger daughter {22} however,
has been traveling with me for 4 of those 6 months and seen curses lifted and the freedom of my Being unfold.

For this I am humbled everyday in her presence. Aware of seeking how to navigate for the most rewarding path needed to sew the seed needed to continue becoming as well as Being
“A Mom”

Providing what she needs and how to be this Being that silently shines a light upon her unfolding.
Allowing her the freedom to be exactly who she is and discover she is safe in my presence.

For this today I am most Grateful.

Seeking to reach my oldest daughter through positivity and having become an overwhelming flow of pure love.

Thank you for reading. For allowing me to be here!
Namasakram my friends
💕

Author: Bella Uni’Verse

I believe in forever. I believe that the spirit is the love heart. I believe that the spirit is the “souls” (source) heartbeat. I believe in high-spirited humans. I believe in the truth of meeting your souls counterpart in a whirlwind of spiritual dance. I believe life unfolds us in a perfectly charted Uni’Verse’All choreography. I believe in Uni’Verse’All Human Beings. A race where we all finish together, there is no first, and there is certainly, no last; there is only Being Human. I believe that a huge majority misses (longing for what is forgotten) the colors of the rainbow, when in reality; It’s always there even if you can’t see it. I believe we all paint our own picture every day. What it looks like is up to us. I believe that we are all within one system, one spirit, one song, one dance, one breath. ONE 1! I believe we are all one; At least we should be. I believe the day drips with dreams and divinity. I recognize that the sky is not the limit. But what I wonder..... Why is it that we only love to the moon and back? When we can love to the furthest reaches of all galaxies and never return. I Believe ©️2018, 2020 Bella Uni’Verse Authentic Reality, Poet With Verve Publications

2 thoughts on “Scary 😳”

  1. Your vulnerability and bravery shines so powerfully! Amazing work as always, I see you and what a strong soul you truly are! Much love 🤗💛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your 🤗 hugs reach me
      𝓥. ఌ
      𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒂 𝒅𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒄𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒍𝒚 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝑩𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒚’𝑭𝒍𝒚 🦋 𝒇𝒆𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅 ! ꨄ

      Liked by 1 person

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