Scary 😳

Vulnerable 𝒱𝒶𝓃𝒾𝓈𝒽𝒶

Vulnerability is a lengthy read. Thank you for reading. Thank you for allowing me.

Repair and hope begins with humility. Please bear with me as I stand upon this rock. I wouldn’t be honest if I don’t share, “I am terrified of vulnerability”
Yet here it is.

17 years ago I buried my whole family. 13 people including my husband .
All this loss in one year, six months, and 17 days. I lived in the shadow of this tragedy for 16 of those years.

I had disassociated so successfully,
I see know was the only protection I had from not falling apart completely.
I became both narcissistic and convoluted in my intellectual ability to sustain some type of power, when truly I had lost it all. I had discovered that my family passed away and I was left here to die.

I have two daughters, one of which I’ve always been very close to.
She has always seen me, known that through this tragedy that she couldn’t imagine what it was doing to me.
This unfortunately put a lot of responsibility upon her, assisting my journey and purpose, as she always believed it was greater than I was able to even imagine. You can imagine how much stress is put on her!

Seven months ago, on my estranged oldest daughter‘s birthday, I had overstepped my boundaries with her her parenting and my granddaughter. She told me I needed to stay in my lane, and my lane is where I went, leaving her on her birthday at an intended sleepover to celebrate.

It was at that point both of my daughters decided that they couldn’t take it anymore.

I have been very grateful to have been discovered by a guru who has taken me under his wings. For the past 6 months I have traveled. Visiting different Hindu Temples, learning and studying under monks, and high priests.
I’ve been cleansed, had dozens of pujas and found a freedom
I was beginning to believe was unattainable.

Regret is a rough space.
Regret has also been the most rewarding in the sight of humble humility. I have a very special bond with my granddaughter {I’ve not seen for 6 months} one I have learned I also very much want to have with my beautiful 25 year old daughter.

What I’ve learned, is seeking the truth is all I have. Self preservation and the recognition for what I’ve done to be why our relationship has unraveled.

I know that missing them is selfish as my daughter needs the room to be in a space where she feels ok. Safe enough to allow me inside. I have more hope, having learned, this is just was what needed to happen to allow both of us the space for recognition. Allowing the 2 of us to thrive within a deeper understanding that will lead us into gaining a love, for who each of us are, independently also who we can be together.

I don’t necessarily want to be needed. I desire to be her choice that leads her to want me. Wanted by being more pure of heart.
Allowing her to express herself without my convoluted opinion.

My younger daughter {22} however,
has been traveling with me for 4 of those 6 months and seen curses lifted and the freedom of my Being unfold.

For this I am humbled everyday in her presence. Aware of seeking how to navigate for the most rewarding path needed to sew the seed needed to continue becoming as well as Being
“A Mom”

Providing what she needs and how to be this Being that silently shines a light upon her unfolding.
Allowing her the freedom to be exactly who she is and discover she is safe in my presence.

For this today I am most Grateful.

Seeking to reach my oldest daughter through positivity and having become an overwhelming flow of pure love.

Thank you for reading. For allowing me to be here!
Namasakram my friends
💕